Music Struggles

Well... it's been awhile since I wrote something without a link to some video. It is difficult to have a music blog without listening to music though! ;)

This year has been full of life-changing experiences and decisions. My future is taking shape through choices that I have made and circumstances beyond my control. As a musician and pianist in the competitive world of music, I know it will take hard work and sacrifice to fulfill my dream of becoming a concert pianist. I did not know one year ago how much work and how much sacrifice.
Throughout last summer I started feeling a biting pain in my wrists, which was particularly bad in my left wrist. I ignored it at first, blaming it on simple soreness from athletic and recreational activities. The school year began and along with that came an intense practice regimen for college piano auditions. These auditions were doubly stressful because they functioned as both entrance auditions as well as music department scholarships. I not only began time-consuming practice sessions, I also started teaching six young piano students. These responsibilities were being juggled with my newly elected position of student body president at our school, and the role of playing keyboard on our school’s chapel worship band. The year kick-started with extreme stress and only became more and more time constraining.
As I pressed on through the stress of teaching, schoolwork, leadership responsibilities and audition practice, my wrist pain progressed from bad to worse. At one point the pain was so bad that I was forced to stop playing piano for a few weeks so I could heal enough to prepare well for my auditions. This was a scary step to take. I was not ready for the auditions but was not healthy enough to continue to prepare. I somehow had to try to memorize the music without playing it. In the middle of these already intimidating setbacks, my great-grandfather died in Michigan. Our family was very close to him, and we all traveled to Michigan for the memorial. Because of this sad event I unavoidably took another two weeks off from my piano audition preparation.
The pain in my wrists had to be dealt with. More than a few people warned me that continuing to play without proper rest and healing might worsen the condition, and possibly cause it to morph into a life-long condition. At the same time, the auditions were necessary in order to gain admission into a college of music and make application for music department scholarships. I could not stop without also giving up the goal of attending college in the fall. I have been playing the piano for 13 years, and dreamed of studying piano performance in college for many years. My family struggles financially somewhat because my dad is a minister. With the auditions functioning as each school’s entrance exam and scholarship evaluation, the pressure and the need to go forward with the auditions was hanging over my head.
My parents and I decided to send me to a message therapist and he diagnosed me with carpal tunnel. This was devastating. I was seventeen years old, and had a syndrome normally diagnosed only on older people. I knew the carpal tunnel could prevent me from working hard enough to pursue my dream of studying to become a concert pianist the next fall. The therapy helped enough to get me through auditions at two small Christian colleges. I originally planned to apply at two elite music conservatories. When I researched the audition requirements, however, I realized my carpal tunnel, combined with my busy schedule, would make it impossible to be prepared for the more demanding auditions at a conservatory. Again, I was devastated. It had been my goal as long as I could remember to study piano at a music conservatory. I was so close to getting there, when life-changing factors beyond anyone’s control took over.
I have now began a new therapy treatment that seems to be stimulating the healing powers of the body to fix the carpal tunnel without surgery. I have had to learn to be content with gaining admission to the two small colleges I was able to audition for. But I have not given up my hope or efforts toward fulfilling all of my goals. I am determined to continue to dream, and will continue to work toward those dreams and goals. I have pushed on, pursuing other opportunities. I competed for the Vermont All-States piano scholarship, participated in the New England’s scholarship competition, and more recently was required to memorize an eleven minute Chopin piece for the Presidential Scholarship competition at Houghton College.
My pursuit of these musical opportunities, in the face of unavoidable setbacks and challenges has helped me grow in my determination to succeed. It has been said that people learn very little about life during times of ease and comfort. I have experienced the reality of learning about life the hard way, but I am not giving up. I am convinced that neither carpal tunnel, or the financial struggles of a family committed to the rewards of public service, will stand in my way of fulfilling my life-long dream. Yes, my disappointments and failures this year have been overwhelming at times. But I will not allow those disappointments or failures to steal my desire, gift, and talent for playing the piano. I am convinced that it is my dream. It is my gift. It is my purpose.